“I don’t have time for that…”

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I probably should keep most of this to myself but I am not going too, mainly because I am not going to mention who this is so I don’t think it matters, but also because I know other’s are going through the same thing and maybe I can help someone… or not, whatever, but I am tired of having to drown in my own private thoughts.

I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for my daughter, or me for that matter. I don’t have time to dwell on why they don’t have time for us. And believe me, I am not just talking about the occasional outing where bringing a one year old might not be so fitting. Or even the friend who cancels on you because you tell her going out on a girl’s night requires you to bring a girl who just might be in diapers along with you. I am talking about ever; someone who doesn’t come around at all. I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for my family.

Recently this person got an iPhone. Want to know what’s great about an iPhone? It has facetime… something fairly simple to use, so someone could see what is important to them every once in a while, or what is important too most people in the world in their position… except this person. But what really takes the cake, what really is the topper, is that an iPhone also comes equipped with a snazzy little feature called the CALL BUTTON or the texting feature for that matter. I am sure this person knows this by now… but maybe I am wrong.

Regardless, back to the point, I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for my daughter, for my family, or for me. I don’t have time for people who would rather spend time with their friends they talk all sorts of crap behind their back about, then strengthen the relationships that really matter, the ones that are forever. I recently was told, this person doesn’t think I am happy, asking people who do have time for us, if I was “always this unhappy or always miserable” and the answer is HECK NO. I have a gorgeous daughter that I live for everyday, one that constantly keeps me laughing, smiling and proud. One that is so beautiful she makes my world stop spinning every time I look at her. I have a husband whom my daughter adores and I get to watch the beautiful bond they have established before my eyes every single day, I have a brand new house which I enjoy coming home too and making memories with my beautiful family, as well as a job that I absolutely love to go to everyday. So the answer to this person’s question is I am most definitely, absolutely not unhappy or miserable in any way, shape or form, and I realize I am blessed beyond words, consistently enamored with what the Lord continues to provide for me, with or without you, I am smiling. This person would know this, but this person chooses to not to, on his or her own accord.

You know what the saddest part is? I have waited for this person to change for years and years, and it never does and I keep thinking to myself, maybe if this happens this person will come around, maybe if I do this this person will call me to tell me their proud, maybe when I have my child this person will come to the hospital like the majority of other people in this person’s shoes, maybe this person will be a part of this child’s life at all, inevitably bringing me closer to them at the same time. But this didn’t happen, it hasn’t happened and I am now at the realization that it will not happen, and I just don’t have time for that anymore. I don’t have time to sulk. I do not have time to feel sorry for my daughter. I cannot change this person, I cannot shake this person and make this person open their eyes, I cannot yell, I cannot be mad any longer, I cannot continue to cry. I just do not have time for that.

So just like this person told me last weekend when I asked this person to come over and spend time with what’s important for just a FEW MINUTES… “I don’t have time for that..” Not anymore, not last week, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not in a few weeks I don’t have time for this at all, ever, anymore.

Love always,

Baby K and Me

“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.

Joshua 24:15

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Noah…

The past few days have been the toughest days in Evan’s and my marriage. It is with a tattered and heavy heart Evan and I reach out to you filled with heartache. About seven weeks ago, Evan and I learned we were expecting. Quickly we became overjoyed and we began planning, we even jumped into house shopping. We looked forward to June with every ounce of anticipation. However to most, our big news had not yet been announced. Last Monday, we were scheduled for a follow up ultrasound from the dating one previously done two weeks ago, so we were of course excited to get there. As soon as the tech started the scan we knew something wasn’t right. She did not look at us; she did not say anything, except, when she left the room telling us she was going to get the doctor. I was terrified, my heart – racing. I knew immediately something was wrong. But I had seen the screen, there was certainly something there, so what was the matter? The doctor eventually came in to tell us this baby was more likely than not, going to pass away. He then told us he believes this baby has a chromosome abnormality and more than likely that abnormality is trisomy 21, or down syndrome. He essentially gave us a one percent chance of any hope, and told us the baby will likely not make it very much longer, and even if by some grace of God it did, it would have some type of down syndrome, and might not live to see a birthday. But the chances of even that were very slim to none. We were in shock; our worlds were turned upside down in a matter of moments. Our excitement turned to fear, then fear to tears.

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6 weeks 1 day, before we knew anything was wrong..

Evan and I come to you now, to let you know, our baby has since passed. He couldn’t make it. We delivered him today, at Northside Hospital, our ten-week old sweet baby blessing. We are relatively certain this was a boy. I don’t know why, but we just are. So we have named him Noah, our beautiful baby boy Noah.
Noah was a part of us for only a short period of time, but we know he is now a part of heaven for eternity and this gives us strength to keep going. Noah is in heaven with many remarkable angels, including his Uncle Bobby who Jesus called home on the same day Noah would’ve be due, exactly one year ago from that date.
Evan and I are so blessed, to have a beautiful baby girl in our lives, and we have certainly come to look at her life from a different perspective after this experience, relishing in even the small moments. We look at her and understand truly what a blessing she is, and I think we even love her even more now, although I don’t even know how that is possible, because the love just pours like tears from us for that baby girl.
However, each time we look at her, and make unforgettable memories with her we will also think of Noah, and who he would’ve been. What kind of big sister Kinsley would have been to Noah and what kind of little brother Noah would’ve been to her. I am not sure why God took Noah from us, and I am not sure the doctor’s response of “Noah had down syndrome” is any kind of answer, but I am sure He did so for a reason, and I am sure He did it out of unrelenting steadfast love for Noah.
Although we never got to hold Noah like we do with Kinsley, we want Noah to know we love him and that many of you love him, and that as he grows in heaven, he has an abundant amount of people already up there that love him. And we are comforted by the fact that their love and our love surround him each day and that he will never feel pain and that he will never have to suffer here on Earth. He is a child that only God and I got to hold, and that will comfort me for a lifetime and into my eternity.
These days have been hard, I feel like I have walked around seeing only black and white for so many hours, so many days, but I have a daughter who colors in the lines for me and for her I am so grateful. I know eventually time will heal this grief and dry the tears that steadily stream down my face but I will never forget the joy Noah brought us when we found out he was coming, the love that poured from Evan and my heart when we planned for him. That love and joy will stay with me, forever, a place in my heart – reserved for Noah. I remain grounded in my faith that I will one day see Noah again.
Evan and I have already received so many prayers and words of comfort and we wanted to take a second to thank all of you so much. We truly have the most amazing family and friends in our lives. We wanted to ask you to pray for Noah tonight and pray for us as we grieve, and if you are a parent of little ones hug them tight and remind yourself to relish in even the small memories. Give them a kiss for us; each one is such a blessing beyond measure.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

Love always,
Evan, Baby K and Me

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Slowing Down and Speeding Up…

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Recently my daughter started crawling, even more recently my daughter started standing, and a few days ago she started walking while holding on to something. Call it hindering, bad parenting, or whatever else you want too but I started to feel like each time she did something new I was sad. I would usually throw out a smile and encourage her but inside it was heartbreaking. The days seemed so short, and she was growing so fast. When she was first born, the days couldn’t go by fast enough. I wanted to get her off of those machines, the beeping was driving me insane, I wanted those stupid tubes to come out of her nose and mouth. I was tired of watching her repeatedly rip out that feeding tube. Those days lasted FOREVER. Then once she was home we had some difficult days and some difficult nights and I thought I can’t wait till morning or I can’t wait till your father gets home. Now I am constantly finding myself asking when will it slow down? My answer is always never. It doesn’t slow down, I don’t need other mom’s to tell me that, it’s becoming increasingly obvious. I recently started a new job at a company not far from where we live. Obtaining a job was completely my decision, Evan makes plenty of money and we were comfortable but I was being called to do something, and that was to find work. Being out of the house is wonderful, I loved spending all my days with Baby K do not get me wrong, but I had this overwhelming feeling God wanted something different for me. So we found a daycare and we have made this transition with limited complications. Looking back on it, I’ve had this job for a little over a month and I started to think about why I was called to work. And recently He gave me an answer. I needed to realize it’s not the quantity it’s the quality and it hit me almost as instant gratification. It made sense and I truly felt like His message had come in more bold than ever before. The time I have with her is all about the quality. So we changed things a bit, in the mornings Baby K and I have special mommy and me time which we both love, where we eat breakfast, play with toys, get ready and sing songs like Jesus Loves Me. In the evenings when Evan gets home, we read stories, eat dinner, give her a bath, and play till she is tired out. No stress, no fussing, no sitting at home wondering if she is tired of being at the house all the time. I am a happier person and I am a better mother for it. The milestones she makes are beginning to feel less cumbersome on my emotions and are making me proud and encouraging and she is such a social butterfly she loves being around the kids at the daycare all day. To top it all off the Lord blessed me with a wonderful job, with wonderful people, in a wonderful environment in which I can come home stress free with a smile on my face to ensure the time with Baby K is nothing short of such quality which was ultimately the quest from the beginning.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

Love always,
Baby K and Me

Baby K’s Big Night Out…

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Last night the family made the trek out to Turner Field for the first time this season to watch the Braves take on the Marlins. It was Baby K’s first baseball game and I couldn’t wait for her to see it. I knew she would not understand what was going on, or where she was, but the lights, the people and the noise excited her far more than anything else she had ever seen. They even had this certificate they gave her for being a first timer. She also got loaded up on braves gear, including a baseball cap and freeman shirt jersey. She is too adorable not to spoil, haha.
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You know, I feel baseball, more than other sports, has a glue like substance to it. I guess what I mean by that is being at the ballpark, I see more families, more dads with their daughters, more moms with their husbands and kids. It is reassuring, that in this day we still have things out there beyond television that can bring families together. Baseball to me is steadfast, it was one of those rare things that you can look to and for the most part is untouched or unchanged. I want my Baby K to know some things remain the same, some things will always bring us together, that you can take something that has been around for over 150 years and it still have a positive impact on the people it touches. I want Baby K to be exposed to something both me and her father enjoy equally. Being a parent is about exposing your child, exposing your child to religion, or their ABC’s or new vegetables and as important as exposing all those things are, I don’t want to forget to expose her to the fun things, to the kinds of things that will make memories for her.
I look forward to the next time we go to the ballpark as a family, it truly is one of the best memories.

Love always,
Baby K and Me
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The Beginning…

I never kept a diary or a journal as a little girl, and I have never had a blog, so this spilling my guts out to a computer is a new concept to me outside of the occasional “Going to the gym, I am so cool,” post on Facebook. However, here I am ready to tell perfect strangers or family or friends or whoever is reading this bits and pieces of my story about being a housewife, a mother, and a Christian.
7 months ago, I got saved. But it is not what you are thinking, it didn’t come in the form of a revelation, in the form of a baptism, or a salvation statement. I guess in that since I have already been saved. This was a different kind of saving. My baby girl was born 7 months ago August 27th, 2013. I often felt the world had ruined me up until this point, most of my childhood, teenager years and early 20’s were spent feeling sorry for myself. I frequently felt cheated, or abandoned, or found myself making questionable choices. I did not like who I was or where I was going, wherever that was. Sure, I graduated high school and eventually graduated college right before my daughter was born, but even success hides things you want no one else to see.
My mother died when I was so little, she was the victim of a hit and run accident. This has had 21 years to resonate with me. I absolutely felt cheated out of a childhood with my mother, I often still do. My dad was never around, and still keeps to himself, leaving me in the dark about his life. So my grandmother took up the slack, and she is WONDERFUL for it. She is all I have ever known – my grandmother, mother and father all wrapped up into one, and topped with a bow. But this doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like still pieces of me were missing. REALLY OFTEN. But then came August 27th, 2013 and all the negative faded away. The world had ruined me, had brought me down, made me feel hurt, jealous, confused, but when I saw her face, heard her cry, watched her look at me for the first time, everything changed. She made me whole again, she put all my pieces back together. My entire life I had been snorkeling without an oxygen tank but at 3:02pm on that glorious day, I got to come up for air. I could breathe for what felt like the first time. A bond between a mother and a child, something I thought I was robbed of, I would never have, I finally got to experience with the birth of my daughter. I could feel it, touch it, hold it and it was more amazing than I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I am in awe, always, everyday of our relationship.
So this is my blog about my journey through motherhood,  what I have learned, what I am continuing to learn and what we are up to. I hope you enjoy it.

Love always,
Baby K and Me
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