The past few days have been the toughest days in Evan’s and my marriage. It is with a tattered and heavy heart Evan and I reach out to you filled with heartache. About seven weeks ago, Evan and I learned we were expecting. Quickly we became overjoyed and we began planning, we even jumped into house shopping. We looked forward to June with every ounce of anticipation. However to most, our big news had not yet been announced. Last Monday, we were scheduled for a follow up ultrasound from the dating one previously done two weeks ago, so we were of course excited to get there. As soon as the tech started the scan we knew something wasn’t right. She did not look at us; she did not say anything, except, when she left the room telling us she was going to get the doctor. I was terrified, my heart – racing. I knew immediately something was wrong. But I had seen the screen, there was certainly something there, so what was the matter? The doctor eventually came in to tell us this baby was more likely than not, going to pass away. He then told us he believes this baby has a chromosome abnormality and more than likely that abnormality is trisomy 21, or down syndrome. He essentially gave us a one percent chance of any hope, and told us the baby will likely not make it very much longer, and even if by some grace of God it did, it would have some type of down syndrome, and might not live to see a birthday. But the chances of even that were very slim to none. We were in shock; our worlds were turned upside down in a matter of moments. Our excitement turned to fear, then fear to tears.
6 weeks 1 day, before we knew anything was wrong..
Evan and I come to you now, to let you know, our baby has since passed. He couldn’t make it. We delivered him today, at Northside Hospital, our ten-week old sweet baby blessing. We are relatively certain this was a boy. I don’t know why, but we just are. So we have named him Noah, our beautiful baby boy Noah.
Noah was a part of us for only a short period of time, but we know he is now a part of heaven for eternity and this gives us strength to keep going. Noah is in heaven with many remarkable angels, including his Uncle Bobby who Jesus called home on the same day Noah would’ve be due, exactly one year ago from that date.
Evan and I are so blessed, to have a beautiful baby girl in our lives, and we have certainly come to look at her life from a different perspective after this experience, relishing in even the small moments. We look at her and understand truly what a blessing she is, and I think we even love her even more now, although I don’t even know how that is possible, because the love just pours like tears from us for that baby girl.
However, each time we look at her, and make unforgettable memories with her we will also think of Noah, and who he would’ve been. What kind of big sister Kinsley would have been to Noah and what kind of little brother Noah would’ve been to her. I am not sure why God took Noah from us, and I am not sure the doctor’s response of “Noah had down syndrome” is any kind of answer, but I am sure He did so for a reason, and I am sure He did it out of unrelenting steadfast love for Noah.
Although we never got to hold Noah like we do with Kinsley, we want Noah to know we love him and that many of you love him, and that as he grows in heaven, he has an abundant amount of people already up there that love him. And we are comforted by the fact that their love and our love surround him each day and that he will never feel pain and that he will never have to suffer here on Earth. He is a child that only God and I got to hold, and that will comfort me for a lifetime and into my eternity.
These days have been hard, I feel like I have walked around seeing only black and white for so many hours, so many days, but I have a daughter who colors in the lines for me and for her I am so grateful. I know eventually time will heal this grief and dry the tears that steadily stream down my face but I will never forget the joy Noah brought us when we found out he was coming, the love that poured from Evan and my heart when we planned for him. That love and joy will stay with me, forever, a place in my heart – reserved for Noah. I remain grounded in my faith that I will one day see Noah again.
Evan and I have already received so many prayers and words of comfort and we wanted to take a second to thank all of you so much. We truly have the most amazing family and friends in our lives. We wanted to ask you to pray for Noah tonight and pray for us as we grieve, and if you are a parent of little ones hug them tight and remind yourself to relish in even the small memories. Give them a kiss for us; each one is such a blessing beyond measure.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Evan, Baby K and Me