Noah…

The past few days have been the toughest days in Evan’s and my marriage. It is with a tattered and heavy heart Evan and I reach out to you filled with heartache. About seven weeks ago, Evan and I learned we were expecting. Quickly we became overjoyed and we began planning, we even jumped into house shopping. We looked forward to June with every ounce of anticipation. However to most, our big news had not yet been announced. Last Monday, we were scheduled for a follow up ultrasound from the dating one previously done two weeks ago, so we were of course excited to get there. As soon as the tech started the scan we knew something wasn’t right. She did not look at us; she did not say anything, except, when she left the room telling us she was going to get the doctor. I was terrified, my heart – racing. I knew immediately something was wrong. But I had seen the screen, there was certainly something there, so what was the matter? The doctor eventually came in to tell us this baby was more likely than not, going to pass away. He then told us he believes this baby has a chromosome abnormality and more than likely that abnormality is trisomy 21, or down syndrome. He essentially gave us a one percent chance of any hope, and told us the baby will likely not make it very much longer, and even if by some grace of God it did, it would have some type of down syndrome, and might not live to see a birthday. But the chances of even that were very slim to none. We were in shock; our worlds were turned upside down in a matter of moments. Our excitement turned to fear, then fear to tears.

6 weeks 1 day, before we knew anything was wrong..

Evan and I come to you now, to let you know, our baby has since passed. He couldn’t make it. We delivered him today, at Northside Hospital, our ten-week old sweet baby blessing. We are relatively certain this was a boy. I don’t know why, but we just are. So we have named him Noah, our beautiful baby boy Noah.
Noah was a part of us for only a short period of time, but we know he is now a part of heaven for eternity and this gives us strength to keep going. Noah is in heaven with many remarkable angels, including his Uncle Bobby who Jesus called home on the same day Noah would’ve be due, exactly one year ago from that date.
Evan and I are so blessed, to have a beautiful baby girl in our lives, and we have certainly come to look at her life from a different perspective after this experience, relishing in even the small moments. We look at her and understand truly what a blessing she is, and I think we even love her even more now, although I don’t even know how that is possible, because the love just pours like tears from us for that baby girl.
However, each time we look at her, and make unforgettable memories with her we will also think of Noah, and who he would’ve been. What kind of big sister Kinsley would have been to Noah and what kind of little brother Noah would’ve been to her. I am not sure why God took Noah from us, and I am not sure the doctor’s response of “Noah had down syndrome” is any kind of answer, but I am sure He did so for a reason, and I am sure He did it out of unrelenting steadfast love for Noah.
Although we never got to hold Noah like we do with Kinsley, we want Noah to know we love him and that many of you love him, and that as he grows in heaven, he has an abundant amount of people already up there that love him. And we are comforted by the fact that their love and our love surround him each day and that he will never feel pain and that he will never have to suffer here on Earth. He is a child that only God and I got to hold, and that will comfort me for a lifetime and into my eternity.
These days have been hard, I feel like I have walked around seeing only black and white for so many hours, so many days, but I have a daughter who colors in the lines for me and for her I am so grateful. I know eventually time will heal this grief and dry the tears that steadily stream down my face but I will never forget the joy Noah brought us when we found out he was coming, the love that poured from Evan and my heart when we planned for him. That love and joy will stay with me, forever, a place in my heart – reserved for Noah. I remain grounded in my faith that I will one day see Noah again.
Evan and I have already received so many prayers and words of comfort and we wanted to take a second to thank all of you so much. We truly have the most amazing family and friends in our lives. We wanted to ask you to pray for Noah tonight and pray for us as we grieve, and if you are a parent of little ones hug them tight and remind yourself to relish in even the small memories. Give them a kiss for us; each one is such a blessing beyond measure.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

Love always,
Evan, Baby K and Me

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11 Things I Learned My First Year of Motherhood…

1. Occasionally babies are born with complications, and you will be scared, and you will be afraid, and you will want to rip out the tubes and kick out the doctors but everything that’s there is there to help her, and every little thing will be alright. At one point after my daughter was born she was breathing triple the rate she should have been, and her heart was tripling its workload along with it. You go in the hospital with every intention to have your healthy beautiful baby and then go home the next day. This is so untrue. Things go unplanned, and you have to just pray, and pray some more, and let God handle it, He’s pretty good at what he does. (;

2. When the day comes where you have to quit breastfeeding, it is not the end of the world. Other mothers will be there to tell you it is, but don’t listen. You are not a bad parent and your child is not doomed for remedial classes. You know better than anything else what is best for your child. Listen to your body, listen to your heart. Formula is not out to get your baby.

3. Postpartum depression is all too real. I was one of those people who thought it could never happen to them, how could people be depressed when they just brought this precious being into the world, but boy I was so wrong. PPD is beyond real and it will suck the life out of you if you do not seek help, an outlet. I choose to seek God, harder than I ever had before. I turned to him when I felt like there was no one else. He listened, He understood, and I never turned back. I ran to Him and kept on running. My depression eventually subsided and now I am a happy and healthy mother with a lot to look forward too.

4. Moms are mean, every mother thinks the way they did it was the best way and they will stop at nothing to tell you that. IGNORE THEM. Don’t address it; don’t let it stress you out. All you can do is pray for them and hope they seek a hobby.

5. Babies are going to cry, sometimes for absolutely no reason. You have to breathe, you have to stay calm, they smell stress like a beagle on a rabbit hole. If you have to, walk away. Just because you leave them alone in a safe place for two minutes to regain your sanity does not mean you are a bad parent. You are just a parent who is avoiding going crazy pants. Pass the wine box please.

6. What someone’s four month old might be doing, could be advanced to what my six month old is doing. Babies grow at different paces. It does not mean your baby is inferior, or slow, or developmentally behind. Babies work on milestones at different rates. When their baby is crawling and your baby just learned to sit up, your baby might have three teeth and their baby has none. It is all perspective. Babies are different, they are not stock, they do not come one size fits all, they are different and your baby will catch up, they are just working on something else.

7. Your marriage will not be the same, physically, emotionally, time invested, it all changes. Ours changed for the better, we brought God into your marriage and He works through it on a powerful level. It is rare nowadays we fight, and if we do it is just joking, and all in fun. Kinsley brought us so much happiness it is difficult now to look at Evan be mad at him. After all he was a big part of giving me the greatest thing to ever come into my life. He is truly a gem, and although when we do fight it is often about parenting choices we love each other on such a deeper level because of her. He is truly a blessing to her and me.

8. Sometimes things come up in your baby’s life that you have no control over, and when that happens you have to let go and give it to God. It was when she was about two weeks old we noticed her ear was deformed, we took her to the doc and the doc said no big deal. It would be seven months later when that same doctor would tell us maybe we should get it looked at, thinking something may be wrong with her kidneys. She proceeded to tell us that in the womb our ears are formed from our kidneys. We were terrified, I prayed night and day up until her ultrasound appointment. I would wake up in a sweat from the shear thought of anything being wrong with that precious face. But then the day came when it was time to take her to the Children’s Hospital and I let go. I let go of the fear, the negative thoughts. I let God handle it and He did. She was healthy. There was not one thing wrong with her, and it was all because I gave it up to Him.

9. You will cry a lot. Seriously. When I put my child’s newborn clothes up, I cried. When I got to take my child home from the NICU, I cried. When my child said DaDa, I cried. When my child got her first fever, I cried. When my child went on her first plane ride, I cried. When my child started solid food, I cried. When my child sat up for the first time, I cried. When my child started crawling, I cried. When my child was baptized, I cried. When my child blew me a kiss the first time, I cried. She could probably fart and I would cry. I mean it’s getting to the point where every little thing makes me cry, and maybe its because I am more emotional as a mother now, or maybe it is because it is just all going by too fast or maybe it is because I am just so happy she is here and healthy. I don’t know, but you will cry, and you will have to make sure that every new piece of makeup you buy is waterproof. Reality.

10. You will laugh a lot. Seriously. My kid cracks me up. The way she stares at herself in the mirror, the way she blows kisses, the way she feeds the dog, the way she dances when you tell her no to remind you she is too cute to get angry at. She is just a blessing, she will turn around and make you laugh just as quick as she will make you cry.

11. You will pray a lot. SERIOUSLY. I NEVER prayed before having a child. I did not seek God; I was not in a relationship with God like I should have been. Believe me, having a child will make you seek things you never had before. I always believed in Him, but it took having a child to actually SEEK him. I have learned so much from her; I have learned so much from Him. To me, I saw Him through her, and it is the best thing to ever happen to me. It is a beautiful thing, the power of prayer is a beautiful thing, and you will do it often, and you will do it well, and He will listen always.

Love always,
Baby K and Me

Can I Deal…?

June 10th. It’s May 30th. That means I have over 10 days before I can get my daughter into the children’s hospital for her ultrasound testing. I am a little overwhelmed. The wait is exhausting. I often find myself staring at her wondering is something wrong? Do I not know it? Is she in pain? Is she suffering? My head is freaking out, but my heart stays firm in Christ that every little thing will be alright. Many of you have reached out to me, wondering what is going on, what is happening, is she alright and the truth is we do not have the answers for you at the moment. It is truly a blessing that you all care so much, from the strangers to the immediate family, we love you all.
The truth is, I have only told close friends and family the situation. So I thought I would explain to the everybody elses the situation a little further, so you know what we are going through, and you can pray for Baby K.
When Kinsley was VERY young, probably only a few weeks old, we noticed her ear was a little different. Like she had two lobes. It didn’t seem to bother her, besides the fact she played with the different ear, a little more. We reported it to her doctor immediately after discovering the deformity. (The NICU did not notice it in her hearing test.) They did not seem alarmed at the time and we moved forward with the idea it was nothing more than a growth inconsistency in the womb. Well, fast forward to her nine month appointment, the doctor seemed more concerned about that ear this time around. Her doctor explained to me that our ears are formed from the urinary tract when babies are developing in the womb. Who knew, right? Well now, she is concerned that her kidneys might be effected based on all the extra tissue her ear has. They scheduled us to see a specialist at Scottish Rite (which if you don’t live in Atlanta is the Children’s Hospital here) and go in for an ultrasound accompanied with additional hearing tests. So we learned that the best case scenario would be that she has to have plastic surgery, performed by a pediatric plastic surgeon to remove the extra tissue or lobe around the ear. Worst case scenario, she has something wrong with her kidneys or urinary tract and we move from there. Flashingback to her NICU days, when she was born, many of you know, she had an extremely accelerated heart rate. She was stripped from us, and sent down there almost immediately. However, once she stabilized, they released her to us without figuring out the cause. I am praying that whatever was causing the infection or accelerated heart rate is not because of kidney malfunction or any thing of the sort.
We do not have answers right now, nothing could be wrong, or there could be a lot wrong, we just do not know. We are asking you to join us in continued prayer for her, as we get through these VERY long last 10 days without answers.

Love always,
Baby K and Me

Do Not Fear…

As Kinsley grows older, I do too, although the physical changes in me do not shine as much as hers do. Today is a milestone for her, as she turns nine months old in just a couple of hours. To me, she is amazing because, to me, she is incredibly close to perfect. However, she has not had it perfectly easy. God has presented her with a couple of challenges in her short life and I am learning slowly that I must not fret at them. I must continue to grow, as she grows, deeper into my faith, and settle further into my relationship with God, in order to remain on both feet during times of turmoil. I do realize that God would never put me, my husband or my child in a situation we could not come out of stronger – not only in our strength but more importantly in our faith and to this, I am given hope.
Today Kinsley had her nine month doctor appointment, and the thing about doctor’s appointments, is you do not always hear what you want to hear. Most of the time, the doctor comes in with good news, however, there are days when the news requires you to sit down. This was one of those sitting down appointments.

Kinsley Nine Months Ago

Kinsley Now
Kinsley has never had it easy, since she was just a few hours old. When she was born I held my baby for an hour, Evan even less, before she was taken away from us, to make that dreaded incubator ride to the NICU. For days we waited for news, only getting to hold her every two hours and only while she was connected to machines. Eventually the wires and tubes were disconnected and we fast forward to nine months later, where our baby has been home, happy and thriving. However, as our children grow we sometimes run into problems, and here we are at another bump in the road. So as a family, Evan, Baby K and I are asking for your continued prays as we face another speed bump and we hope that you will continue to pray and ask God to watch over her until we can get the answers we are looking for.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

Love always,
Baby K and Me

That’s What I Love About Sundays…

Sundays are for family, they are for cooking Sunday dinner, they are for grocery shopping, they are for leftover homework I put off, BUT MOSTLY they are for God.
When I was younger, probably about 4 or 5 I was actually terrified of God. I am not sure what it was, I think it was probably me taking the lessons the wrong way, like I thought he would flood the world and I might not make it on Noah’s ark (after all I thought he only had room for 2 of each kind), or maybe it was the Jonah and the whale story that scared me, or maybe it was when they taught us one day Jesus was going to come for us and take us away. Of course, I didn’t fully understand these stories and my childhood mind was a creative one so I elaborated these stories and made them many moons more intense than they ever actually were, but the point is, these thoughts faded and I quickly became an adolescent of God, and eventually became the woman of God that I am today.
Now I have a beautiful daughter, a beautiful daughter who has no earthly idea who God is or who Jesus is, or what in the world the bible is and it is my responsibility to introduce these things to her. MY RESPONSIBILITY. In my opinion, the biggest responsibility I will ever have. It is my responsibility to send her to church on Sundays, to read her stories from the bible, to make sure she even has a bible, to make sure she knows that God is not only reserved for Sundays, that she knows she can open her bible on a Tuesday if she would like or to make sure she DOES NOT have to be afraid of him. I want church to be a part of her life, I want church to be a part of our families life, something not just for Easter Sunday or Christmas Eve, something we get up and go to every Sunday, or even a Monday, or if we feel the call to go on a Thursday, we go. We pray. Whenever we feel the need. I want that to be my daughters life and I hope she will accept that kind of life when she has the ability to say no, but chooses not too.
Baby K only now knows the nursery of our church, the large brick walls painted with scenes from Noah’s ark and Daniel in the lions den, but soon she will be receiving Sunday school lessons with the older kids in daycare and I can only hope she feels some sort of completion, some sort of heart felt love, some sort of recognition that she has someone other than mommy and daddy to run to when she needs him. This is what I want for her, and I hope one day she wants the same thing for herself.
Sundays are for lots of things,
but mostly Sundays are for God.

Love always,
Baby K and Me

The Dreaded First Virus…

Wow, what a week it’s been and it’s only Wednesday?! Baby K has come down with some sort of viral infection but the doctors are not sure what she has. She had an appointment on Monday and they tested her for a few things including RSV which came back negative (thankfully), but decided to not send her into the children’s hospital to check for more serious viruses and instead sent her home with a nebulizer to hopefully improve her breathing. I have never ever seen my daughter throw a bigger tantrum than when she has to use this thing (which is every FOUR hours), it’s pretty ridiculous. The intention of it being if she improved by using the nebulizer, then they would not do additional testing after her follow up appointment the next Monday. Well so far we’ve seen minimal improvement.
She is taking in very little fluid, four ounces here and there, and mostly what she does take in she vomits up, although that too has been improving. She vomited blood a few times on Monday but since that has ceased. But now that she is having stomach issues on both ends we are monitoring her to ensure dehydration is not a factor at any point. She does keep down solids which is wonderful cause I don’t need another thing to worry about. The doctor did put her on a probiotic yesterday so hopefully we will see more improvement very soon.
Today, she has been very lethargic and you can tell she is getting frustrated with not being able to breathe out of her nose, and not being able to rid herself of this cough which goes from being dry to having phlegm. I think that’s why she has had such a hard time with the bottle and pacifiers too, because it’s so hard to breathe out of her nose that she needs her mouth. We have been syringing her pedialyte for this reason, which has had mixed success at its best. Hopefully by the weekend, we are optimistic, she will be back to her smiley self, playing and having a good time. Which needs to happen because we have a yard sale this Saturday and it is going to be BEAUTIFUL out so I would love to take her to the park afterwards.
Well, if you pray, pray for us because she needs it, aw heck I could use some prayers too because it’s been a rough week for all us dealing with this!

Love always,
Baby K and Me

The Beginning…

I never kept a diary or a journal as a little girl, and I have never had a blog, so this spilling my guts out to a computer is a new concept to me outside of the occasional “Going to the gym, I am so cool,” post on Facebook. However, here I am ready to tell perfect strangers or family or friends or whoever is reading this bits and pieces of my story about being a housewife, a mother, and a Christian.
7 months ago, I got saved. But it is not what you are thinking, it didn’t come in the form of a revelation, in the form of a baptism, or a salvation statement. I guess in that since I have already been saved. This was a different kind of saving. My baby girl was born 7 months ago August 27th, 2013. I often felt the world had ruined me up until this point, most of my childhood, teenager years and early 20’s were spent feeling sorry for myself. I frequently felt cheated, or abandoned, or found myself making questionable choices. I did not like who I was or where I was going, wherever that was. Sure, I graduated high school and eventually graduated college right before my daughter was born, but even success hides things you want no one else to see.
My mother died when I was so little, she was the victim of a hit and run accident. This has had 21 years to resonate with me. I absolutely felt cheated out of a childhood with my mother, I often still do. My dad was never around, and still keeps to himself, leaving me in the dark about his life. So my grandmother took up the slack, and she is WONDERFUL for it. She is all I have ever known – my grandmother, mother and father all wrapped up into one, and topped with a bow. But this doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like still pieces of me were missing. REALLY OFTEN. But then came August 27th, 2013 and all the negative faded away. The world had ruined me, had brought me down, made me feel hurt, jealous, confused, but when I saw her face, heard her cry, watched her look at me for the first time, everything changed. She made me whole again, she put all my pieces back together. My entire life I had been snorkeling without an oxygen tank but at 3:02pm on that glorious day, I got to come up for air. I could breathe for what felt like the first time. A bond between a mother and a child, something I thought I was robbed of, I would never have, I finally got to experience with the birth of my daughter. I could feel it, touch it, hold it and it was more amazing than I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. I am in awe, always, everyday of our relationship.
So this is my blog about my journey through motherhood,  what I have learned, what I am continuing to learn and what we are up to. I hope you enjoy it.

Love always,
Baby K and Me